Okay I think I have this diagnosed, sort of. I’ve been having a really hard time lately with my Drinking Voice, which still sounds like woe-is-me. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t do it. I just hate it when I do do it.
Hate is a strong word. And I’m hating on myself. I kind of figured this out last Sunday at my meeting because someone came in with another self-compassion reading — this one from Brene Brown — and I had another viscerally angry reaction to the idea that I’m supposed to be all “accepting of myself just the way that I am.” Like people go around the circle saying “I liked the reading and here’s why.” And I’m thinking, “I hated the reading. Can I say that? Why do I hate the reading?”
Uggghhhhh. Hate, hate, hate. And all the feelings that come with that. I always think I’m too grown up now to have feelings of self-loathing. But I realized that the readings were pissing me off because I don’t want to be nice to myself. There is no self-compassion going on here. Somewhere along the way I rejected the core idea — and I mean core to both recovery and my Buddhist practice — that self-compassion is critical to healing both ourselves and the world.
So why can’t I muster self-compassion? I think it boils down to my chronic resentment of the world that I can’t get a permanent, full-time job. I don’t like feeling resentful. I don’t like feeling bitter. These feelings make me not like myself, so I get pissed off at myself for feeling these feelings. It’s like this: “If you are feeling resentment and bitterness it is because you are a loser and you should get over yourself. Lots of people have it worse than you do.”
I’m not sure what to do with this. I started in on Kirsten Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, and just “bringing awareness” to moments like when she says it is okay to physically hug and stroke yourself to show yourself compassion, which makes me want to thrown the book across the room. But that reaction is the problem, right?
I am just going to keep going and try to keep myself open to the message that self-compassion is good. In my head I know that is true, but my heart isn’t listening yet.