When I am Tired

I suppose it would be lovely to say that sobriety has resulted in me having boundless energy, but hey — life is still life, and I still have the same demands and stressors I’ve always had. So yeah. Some days I’m meh in the energy department. But at least I know I am really, actually tired. The thing is, if you are a functioning daily drinker, which I have been for many years now, an always ready-to-hand denial strategy is to plead fatigue when you are in fact, either half-cut or hung over.

My drinking has crept up over time. (Which I hear it does. Which is scary.) A couple of bottles of beer a day went to a couple of pints. A couple of pints went to sometimes three, or a couple of pints and wine with dinner. Before laying off the stuff, wine with dinner was going on more evenings than not.

And I found myself feeling tired. I was so tired that the details of going to bed were fuzzy some nights. I slept poorly, so woke up tired many days.

Edit: I found myself feeling tired. I was so tired drunk that the details of going to bed were fuzzy some nights. I slept poorly, so woke up tired hung over many days.

In the months leading up to my quitting thing here, I kept hearing the word “tired” coming out of my mouth while chastising myself in my head for being so full of shit. I felt like I was lying most of the time when I said it, and I was. To others, but of course mostly to myself.

It’s easy to perpetuate the lie when you’re a functioning alcoholic because you still keep up your routine. You go to bed. You get up and do your grown up thing. You come home and drink at night. For me, the routine was so entrenched I didn’t even know anymore what a good night’s sleep felt like, what it felt like to wake up in the morning after a good night of sleep, or even what if felt like to wake up after an authentically bad night of sleep.

I can say that I’m sleeping better and feeling better in the morning when I wake up, which is great. On the nights I don’t sleep well, I might still wake up feeling like crap, but at least it isn’t a crap sundae smothered in a topping of denial and guilt. I’m just tired. Not more or less hung over — just tired. So even if I don’t feel great physically I’m weirdly happy just to be in my sober body and clear head.

 

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