Still feeling strong. Mostly. Bracing myself for the inevitable difficult nights.
Last night cycling home from work I must have thought ten times about where I was going to stop for wine and/or beer. This wasn’t because I intended to do so; it was just habit. That made me think about how much of my brain is occupied by drinking: What can I fit in my bike basket? What’s in the fridge still that’s cold? Red or white? Good liquor store or the lousy one that is more convenient? What route home? (And how will I make sure I only drink two tonight?)
I mean holy shit. I think about these things every day. I suppose we also think every day about non-toxic stuff like… you know… groceries. But still.
Belle Robertson’s “tired of thinking about drinking” blog nailed it. When she started her sobriety journey, she offered what proved to be an important insight for me (and apparently many others): It’s exhausting (and boring) to think about alcohol *all the damn time.*
This has been scaring the hell out of me: I’ve been working from home a lot lately, and a lunchtime shitty Pilsner with a good glug of Clamato juice in it (that’s a Canadian thing btw) was starting to look pretty good. I didn’t do it. But I thought about it. And thinking about it still piles on precious mental energy expended either planning for, planning around, or planning to control drinking. And managing the quiet shame as you try to hide from yourself and others that your day, every day, revolves around drinking. Man I am tired of that. Surely there is more to life?